best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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