OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
