my phone needs a breathalizer
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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