All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
