So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
