Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
