my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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