Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize