Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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