i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
