Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
