just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
