just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
