And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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