i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
