He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
