if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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