I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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