At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
