When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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