I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
