like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Randomize
