that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
