Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
