this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
