I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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