We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
