I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
