please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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