Your face is a jimmy john
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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