Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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