The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
