i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
