that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i out mim tonsoeep
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