In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
