I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
