dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
