so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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