I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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