I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
