im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
