I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
