Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
