I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
