my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
