Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
