it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
