Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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