Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
