i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sorry about my life...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
