i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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