she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
