Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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