Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
