Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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